O Dreaded Day…
…when you send your only daughter to college. The LA Times tells a heart-felt - if not melodramatic - story about a Latina from Highland Park named Betty Perez who decides to go to college on the East Coast. I think it is a telling tale of the Latino/a college experience on (at least) two fronts.
One, it highlights many of the family dynamics & paradigms - the blessings & the challenges - that Latino students bring with them when they are in college. I’ve said this before - Latinos aren’t the only ones that love their families or have strong family values. But I do believe - and have experienced - a very different priority on family in the Latino community than in my own.
When I went to college, for example, my independence from my parents was something that was assumed, celebrated, even painfully & financially encouraged. I remember few tears, if any, and a great sense of freedom in going off to school. My dad helped my sister & I move in, and then he said “I love you” and goodbye.
By contrast, when my wife went to college - the same first week at the same college that I went to - she recalls crying every night in her dorm room because of the foreignness of the whole experience and for being away from her mom & her sisters. And while that may happen for some home-sick students, any who know my wife know that her experience wasn’t a simple homesick experience, but one very culturally shaped, shaped differently than mine.
The other thing, from the parental view, that the story highlights for me is how often the quincenera tradition fails in serving the purpose for which it is intended to symbolize. For those who are unfamiliar with quinceneras or who think they are just the Mexican version of a sweet 16 or who are going to watch the recent movie with the same title as your primary education, a quincenera is supposed to represent a young girls passage into adulthood. It has all of the markings of a wedding - as well as many of the costs!! - which is deeply symbolic. And yet it is remarkable - in my limited experience - to see how often young Latinas aren’t blessed by their parents to be adults, even young adults.
Now I know, “easier said than done, Scott. Wait ’til you go through it with Isa.” Which is what I hope happens. The image of her quincenera has been a powerful image for me in the midst of the challenges & unknowns we are facing with her. I know it will be a huge celebration, as well as a significant marker of her development - both physically, emotionally & socially. At this stage looking forward 14+ years, I dream of & pray for the father/daughter dance at her quincenera, where I can bless her & bless God for her, where I can weep at the miracle of her life, and rejoice at the young woman that she becomes, and where I can enjoy the moment as a passage from one stage of her life to a entirely new frontier.
With all of the unknowns that every parent has about the future & potential of their children, and with the specific unknowns that we have with Isa, I long for the perspective of Isa’s quincenera to see who she becomes.
August 24th, 2006 at 10:45 am
This post got me thinking: What’s the male equivalent of the quincenera? Although there is nothing here by way of formal celebration, what counts as that rite of passage for boys/young men?
Even more, are you aware of any criticisms of quinceneras as perpetuating an old world assumption that requires a public declaration of a young woman’s availability?
August 24th, 2006 at 10:57 am
Regarding coming of age, or the lack thereof, I wonder if what you have mentioned is a cultural representation of what often seems to be a wider phenomenon. As someone who works at a Grad school I am often surprised at the number of parents of grad students (mostly white) who are doing everything from helping them pick their classes to settling their accounts, often shielding their kids from gaining valuable experience in the real world. I know there are other factors at play here, but the idea of preparing for adulthood is an interesting one, and something that could be relavent from various cultural perspectives.
August 25th, 2006 at 11:32 am
Bookworm
-I think a significant critique of American society is that there is no male initiation or rite of passage to teach young men what it means to become a man. All of the cultural markers are pretty negative - “get laid,” “get drunk,” be wild & rebellious - or neutral - get your driver’s license, register to vote.
-As to the critique that quinceneras are a hold-over from a negative shopping of young women, I think their is some validity to that. Especially when all that exists in the common practice of the quincenera is ceremonial & not significant. I’d be curious to know if there is any connection between the symbols & ceremony of a quincenera - which are so similar to a wedding - and the ceremony for a nun - which are also similar to a wedding ceremony. Both seem to represent a certain statement about a young woman’s new place in the world.